A Learner's guide to having difficult conversations

We all have to have difficult conversations in many aspects of our lives. They are critical to building relationships, having successful careers, and living a great life. I wish there were easy ways to master these conversations and make them less painful. Like with most things in our lives, when we can learn to handle difficult conversations in a better way.
 
In this blog post, I will share some things I am learning about handling difficult conversations. It is still a journey that I am still on.
 
Reflect on past difficult conversations you have had
We have all had a lot of difficult conversations over our lifetime. Some are easier to navigate than others. There are many things we can learn about ourselves if we take the time to reflect on how the conversations went. Most of the time, I find myself doing everything in my power to try to forget the conversation versus reflecting on the critical lessons that I could take away from them. I have learned that I do not like leaving a conversation feeling like I could not get my point across or defend my perspective. I am working on this by learning strategies to handle those feelings better.
 
Strategies to consider

• Spend some time reflecting on difficult conversations you had in the past year
• Make a note of one thing that you learned from the conversation 

 
Be prepared for the conversation
It is crucial to prepare yourself, especially with conversations that might have different outcomes than expected. It is mostly about you plotting a plan for yourself. I write some notes about the topic we are discussing and use that to prepare my mind before the conversation. Another thing that helps me is to get someone else's perspective or advice. You will handle the conversation better if you go in prepared rather than let your emotions take over at the moment.
 
Strategies to consider

• Make notes of things you want to remember 
• Talk to your trusted advisors

 
Focus on the actual conversation
One of the crucial things that make difficult conversations better is being present and listening to what is being said. Often in my mind, I have built a whole movie about the conversation, what the person might be insinuating, and the impact of the discussion afterward. This makes the conversation even bigger and more complicated than it needs to be. Listening to what they are saying is always a better route to take. I struggle with this point and would like to practice my deep listening skills. Instead of focusing on formulating my response while people are speaking, I want to listen to understand and not to respond.
 
Strategies to consider

• Go into conversations with the thought of what you want to do better 
• Practice deep listening and don't be distracted during the conversation 

 
Recap the conversation afterwards
We can all learn something from conversations, irrespective of how they go. Spending a few minutes thinking about how the conversation went will give you some great insights. Thinking through good discussions can help build your confidence. You have the opportunity to recap what you did during the conversation. You can use your notes as a reference for the next time you have a difficult conversation. And if the conversation did not go well, use the opportunity to offload the things from your mind and get closure.
 
Strategies to consider

• Document what made the conversation go well or not
• Accept how things went 

 
Be kind to yourself 
I have come out of conversations and beat myself up for weeks afterwards because I wished I did or said things differently. Even when conversations go well, sometimes there is still a strange feeling or thought about how we may have wanted to do things differently. Going over conversations over and over is not very helpful for our minds. Especially overthinkers like me, we often struggle with letting go.
 
Strategies to consider

• Check-in with yourself to see how you are doing after difficult conversations 
• Know when it's time to move on from a conversation 

 
Final Thoughts
Handling difficult conversations well is a skill that needs work to build. If you feel like running away from difficult conversations, you are not alone. We all have to keep practicing to get more comfortable.
 
Great Resources

• How to have difficult conversations at work: 5 key steps
• How to Handle Difficult Conversations at Work
• 3 steps to having difficult — but necessary — conversations
• How to Have Difficult Conversations and Stay True to Yourself
• Need to Have a Difficult Conversation? Try This Simple 4-Step Method